As I Lay In Bed And Ponder

As I lay in bed and ponder

the benefits of sleeping longer

I hear a disembodied sigh

from the bathroom, though I’m not sure why…

 

For I live alone ever since the fateful day

that I chased all those pesky gremlins away.

Those little bastards had messed with everything!

They put rocks in my socks and left some THING on my ring!

 

My powers of logic left me at a loss

for it seemed that they had managed to cross

a flea-bitten cat with a mangy old mutt

and given it two separate heads and a single butt!

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I have to admit the effect was quite comical

as it tried to nibble it’s ass with a hiss and a growl,

neither head knowing quite what it should

make of something that smelled so wrong but felt sooo good.

 

There are times I still shake with silent laughter

’cause I sent the poor beast to your grandma’s daughter.

All these thoughts passed through my head in a flash

as I hopped out of bed and took off at a dash.

 

Like a ninja, I stole across the room to the light.

Fully intending to give those damn gremlins a fright…

Then in bright light, the room was suddenly bathed

and no corner escaped from my glare unscathed.

 

But alas, not a single gremlin did I spy.

In fact, the only thing that really captured my eye

was over a year’s worth of dirt grub and grime,

while in the shower there grew some unidentified slime.

 

My macho-ness told me it wasn’t really so bad…

there was still plenty of room to be had

if I stood in that clear patch at the center of the stall

and moved very carefully, I’d never have to touch the wall.

 

To be honest, it sounded much better in theory

though when it came time to shower I felt just a little bit leery.

The feeling got worse the longer I stood and thought

so I screwed up my courage and turned the water on HOT.

 

I was hoping that the steam would not only sterilize

but also help to hide that disgusting slime from my eyes.

So all fine and good, I got into the shower

but by God I swear, that slime had some sort of dark power.

 

I hadn’t really noticed until I’d fastened the door

but there was no longer any slime to be seen on the floor.

That’s not so weird right? It was prolly just the water.

So why did I feel like a lamb sent to slaughter?

 

Despite the heat, my skin grew cold

as the power of suggestion took it’s dark hold.

Was it just my imagination? Or some cruel trick of the light?

I could swear that the slime was somehow gaining in height.

 

Yes, there! I’m sure I saw it writhing.

Or… was that just the steam slowly rising?

TAK! TAK! TAK! TAK! The fan let out a final rattle

that banished all thoughts I had of denial!

 

The slime was alive! It was after my head!

And if I didn’t hurry I too would be dead!

I wrenched open the door and dove out of the shower

No longer would the slime have me in it’s power!

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I turned and saw it all coalesce at the top

then heave a great sigh as it started to drop.

I held my breath as it disappeared down the drain

with only a soft VWOOP as a lilting refrain.

Now, I may not be known as the keenest being

but to this day, I ALWAYS keep my shower clean.